Rants & Raves (Blog)

Ed: Here's your host and mine, Dave Riley

Dave: [takes his seat at his desk]  Hello everybody. How are things with you, Ed?

Ed: Same old same old.

Dave: Well, our first guest is congressional candidate Mitsy Green.

Mitsy: [takes a seat] Hi.

Dave: So, I hear things are heating up in the race to Congress.

Mitsy: I've got footage that proves my opponent should be locked up somewhere.

Dave: Let's watch

[Mark is in a bedroom. A couple is sleeping. Mark turns on a light] The man yells "What the?" "Hi, I'm Mark Osborne. I sell insurance "  "How'd you get in here?" the man asks. "Your garage door was unlocked. Really should watch that." "It's three a.m.?" "You know, you could probably save money with an umbrella policy," Mark says. "Get out of our house!" the man yells. "If something happened to you, do you have enough life insurance to put your two lovely daughters through college?" "How do you know about our daughters?" "The oldest one sleeps in the nude," Mark says "Get out of our house!" the man tells.

Mitsy: I think that says it all.

Dave: Not quite. Here's the alleged victim, Hyram Bingham.

Hyram: [takes a seat] I've never been on TV before.

Dave: How'd that footage come to be?

Hyram: Our nanycam got turned on when Mark Osborne was looking for a light. We have it to monitor our babysitter for our youngest daughter.

Dave: I see.  And that must've been a shock, having some stranger in your house?

Hyram: I'll say.

Mitsy: That's what I've been saying all along. This guy is dangerous.

Hyram: Now wait a minute. Mark saved us a lot of money with that umbrella policy.

Mitsy: Excuse me?

Hyram: I'd vote for him

Mitsy: Excuse me?

Dave: We'll be back after this.

Mark: Our next commercial just goes to show you.

[Mark is standing in a couple's bedroom at night.] You can tell a lot by wandering through people's houses. For instance, this woman reads The National Inquirer. Him, there's a huge stack of Playboy's in the closet. The teenage girl down the hall, you don't want to know.  More important, their checkbook is overdrawn and they're past due on the mortgage. [picks up prescription bottle] Hey, Viagra [puts bottle in pocket] I help people like this all the time by giving them the peace of mind of insurnace. When I'm in Congress, I'll do even more.

Announcer: Paid for by Mark Osborne for Congress

Mark: This next commercial. No. It can't be. [holds his clipboard up.]

Jack[ come over and takes off his headphones. The light reflects off his bald head and blinds the camera] Nah. Well,

[Mitsy Green is standing in a liquor store. A hoodlum with a gun comes in. She takes the gun away from him] Our crime problem is out of control. My opponent's solution is to sell everyone more insurance. I say get the guns off the streets.

Announcer: Paid for by Mitsy Green for Congress

Mark: Don't know how that got in there.  This next commercial is about dog food. Wake up your dog now.

[Camera focuses on Mark]. High, I'm Mark Osborne. [camera pulls away and we see he's inside a house and a couple are asleep in bed]  In addition to hosting Commercialvision, all commercials all night, I'm also running for Congress.  It's people like this that inspire me to run. [Mark opens a drawer and removes $20.] You'd be amazed how much money I find going through people's homes.  But I need even more to defeat my opponent.  Please go to the website on your screen now and donate what you can.  Thank you.

Ed: Yes, it's the Dave Riley Show, here's your host and mine, Dave Riley

Dave: [Takes his seat at his desk.]  Well Ed, how'd your week go?

Ed: Not so good.  Ever since he started running for Congress, that Osborne guy keeps calling me in the middle of the night asking for money.  I'm not giving him any more.

Dave: Good for you, Ed. Our first guest is Mitsy Green, candidate for Congress.

Mitsy: Shakes hands and sits down.

Dave: Hi Mitsy.  How's life on the campaign treating you?

Mitsy: It's kind of weird.  I keep finding my opponent going through my garbage. It's creepy.

Dave: Is he looking for dirt on you?

Mitsy:  No, he says he's looking for food.  He says he goes through the neighbor's garbage, not just mine.

Dave: Have you called the cops?

Mitsy: Since he's running for Congress, they don't want to get involved.

Ed: Hey, why don't you book some of your campaign commercials on his TV show, Commercialvision. That would show the little creep.

Mitsy: I like the way you think, Ed.

Dave: We'll be back after this.

[Mark is standing in someone's yard at night.]  These people in the house behind me have really heavy blinds. I can't look inside their house. When I'm in Congress I'll have high tech military equipment to spy on them. In the meantime, I really need some campaign contributions.  You can donate at the website on your screen or call my friend Jack's house and leave a pledge. His number is on your screen now. Thank you.  This message was paid for and approved by Mark Osborne for Congress.

[Mitsy is standing in front of a row of American flags] Hi, I'm Mitsy Green, running for Congress.  Don't vote for my opponent, who seems to have mental problems, vote for me. This message was approved by Mitsy Green for Congress.

Camera focuses on Mark. I'm Mark Osborne, host of Commercialvision, the show that's all commercials all night long.  But, I'm also running for Congress.  So, when you go to vote, remember that a vote for me is a vote for you. Thank you.

Ed: Now here's your host and mine, Dave Riley.

Dave sits at his desk. Hi everybody. What's new, Ed?

Ed: That Osborne guy is running for Congress.  He hit me up for a campaign contribution. I gave him five bucks. You think I made a mistake?

Dave: Well Ed, I know how dear your wallet is to you.  But, it's only five bucks.

Ed:  Well, I just hope he doesn't want more. 

Dave: Let's hope not.  Our first guest tonight is Mark Osborne, candidate for Congress.

Mark: Hi Dave, Ed

Dave: So, anything intersting on the campaign trail?

Mark: Yes, as a matter of fact.  When you shake hands with your right hand, it's real easy to grab people's wallets with your left hand. [Holds up a wallet]

Dave: Isn't that illegal?

Ed: That's my wallet!

Mark: It's not illegal if you give them a receipt.  Look, Congressmen have been ripping off the American public for over two hundred years. That's why I'm running.

Dave: To get in on it?

Mark: Exactly. Here's your receipt, Ed

Ed: A hundred bucks. I didn't even have a hundrfed bucks.

Mark: You forgot about that twenty you had behind that picture of Professor Kessler that you always carry around.

Ed: I want my money back you little crook.

Mark: Nothing doing.  And, tell your viewers that, on my show, Commercialvision, tonight will be all  campaign commercials all night long.

Dave: I'm sure they can't wait for that. Speaking of commercials, we'll be right back.

Chancellor Dave is wandering the campus. "Ah, summer session."  He stops to admire the students hard at work digging up the old north parking lot. "These kids will learn so much, about asphalt, about paint." He waves at the instructor, then heads back to his office.

Ed, the dean of students is waiting.  "Ya know, I'm teaching marksmanship 101 myself."

"Yes, we are the most heavily armed college campus in North America," Dave says.

"Well, you've got that Osborne guy teaching parking lot studies," Ed says.

"Yes? Your point?"

"Well, what the heck are you teaching?" Ed asks. "Or are you just going to sit up here in your air conditioned office all summer?"

"Ah, I'm not above taking a turn at the teaching trough.  I'm teaching culinary arts 21," Dave says.

"The theory of lunch? Damn, I was wondering who got that one. What are they fixing you today?"

"I am having pizza," Dave answers.  "And they're even learning how to pour draft beer."

"It's going to be a rough summer," Ed says.

"We'll get through it my friend," Dave consoles him.

Ed: Yes, it's the Dave Riley Show, now here's your host and mine, Dave Riley

Dave: Hello everybody.  [takes seat behind his desk]  Well, did you know that when they started out Independence Day, they called them illuminations, fireworks I mean.?

Ed: No, I did not know that.

Dave: Yep, it's true. Ben Franklin predicted we'd celebrate the day with them.  But, most small towns just had picnics or cookouts and the local band would play. The fireworks came later.  Well, I'm sponsoring the fireworks display this July 4th. I hope everyone comes out to the park. They're going to have free hot dogs, too.

Ed: I can't make it.

Dave: Why not?

Ed: I'm going over to Romneyville to be grand marshal of their parade.

Dave: Romneyville?  You have any idea how much this fourth of July is costing me? Romneyville doesn't even have fireworks.

Ed: Well, I promised I'd go.

Dave: Grand Marshal?  How'd you get that?  I've never been a grand marshal. You get to ride in some convertible with Miss Blonde Hottie?

Ed: Yeah, that's they say. Miss Dairy Queen, actually.

Dave: Miss Dairy Queen?  Won't the folks at Dairy Queen restaurants complain about that?

Ed: I don't know.

Dave[reading from teleprompter]: Well, our first guest tonight is Miss Dairy Queen from Romneyville.  What?  What happened to Ron the fireworks guy who's going to talk about my fireworks display?

Ed: He's not coming.

Heather, Miss Dairy Queen, comes out and waves at the audeince and sits down.

Dave [glares at Ed] How do you get to be Miss Dairy Queen?

Heather: Well, Ed and some other judges picked me at the county fair.

Dave: Ed and some other judges?  What other judges?

Heather: There was this guy, Mark. He sold me some insurance on my dog.  And this guy Jack.

Dave: I want my fireworks guy.

Jack: [takes his trademark headphones off. The studio lights glare off his bald head.] He cancelled out. What can I say?

Heather: Hi Jack.

Dave: I can't believe this.  We'll be right back.

I keep hoping they won't make any more of those ghastly Twilight saga movies, but they do.

Yesterday, I was asked by a group of teenage girls, in all sincerity, if I'd rather my daughters dated a vampire or a wherewolf.  Without hesitation, I answered "wherewolf."

"How come?" I was asked.

"Cause I hate fucking vampires," was my reply.

The young ladies lost interest in me after that. 

Chancellor Dave is out on the balcony overlooking the campus.  Trixie, the executive secretary, approaches. "Sir, there's a driver who wants to unload a truck load of fish. The cafeteria is closed. Summer Session doesn't start until next week."

"Tell him how to get to the pond. They're not for the cefeteria. They're still alive," Dave declares.

"Alive?"

"For the pond, dear.  The students will need them for environmental sciences 102--fishing theory," Dave explains.

"People can get college credit for going fishing?" she asks.

"You got it.  And the rods and reels we're selling in the bookstore are at a huge discount. Hell of a deal."

"That sounds dubious, even for around here," she insists.

"Nonsense.  Learning how to fish is tough.  And most of the students signed up for the companion course, culinary studies lab," Dave explains.

"How to cook them?" she asks.

"You got it. Hurry on, the driver's waiting to stock the pond with all those trout," Dave declares.

"I'll tell him," she agrees.  She literally runs into dean of students, Ed, who's putting together a fishing rod in the outer office.

"The truck's here," she says.

"I know.  The chancellor and I are in a meeting this afternoon."

"Environmental policy on college campuses," Dave adds.  He opens a closet and extracts a fishing reel.

"Oh please," she says.

(Some guy comes out of his house, going to work. He opens the door and finds Mark in the front sea of his car. Who are you? I'm Mark Osborne. You may know me as the host of Commercialvision, but I also sell insurance. I was just going over your coverage. Have you considered an umbrella policy? Camera shifts to the citizen, who is now chasing after a bus.)

Ed: Yes, it's the Dave Riley Show. Here's your host and mine, Dave Riley

Dave: Thanks Ed. Hello everybody.  Well, another week has come and gone.  Anything new with you, Ed?

Ed: Well, I bought a new car. Now that Osborne guy has been lurking around trying to sell me insurance.

Dave: Well, we have to have insurance in this state to drive, Ed.

Ed: I got insurance.  Osborne wants me to buy his. I bought mine from that lizard on TV.

Dave: I see.  Well, as luck would have it, that lizard is our first guest. To tell us all about what it's like to sell car insurance when you're a reptile, meet the car insurance lizard.

(Lizard waves at audience.)

Mark comes onstage from the other side. I'm Mark Osborne, host of Commercialvision, which comes on after this show, but I'm here to perform pest control. (Mark Hold up a hatchet and glares at lizard.)

Dave: Uh, put the hatchet down.  We'll be right back after this.