Rants & Raves (Blog)

Chancellor Dave is out on the balcony overlooking the campus.  Trixie, the executive secretary, approaches. "Sir, there's a driver who wants to unload a truck load of fish. The cafeteria is closed. Summer Session doesn't start until next week."

"Tell him how to get to the pond. They're not for the cefeteria. They're still alive," Dave declares.

"Alive?"

"For the pond, dear.  The students will need them for environmental sciences 102--fishing theory," Dave explains.

"People can get college credit for going fishing?" she asks.

"You got it.  And the rods and reels we're selling in the bookstore are at a huge discount. Hell of a deal."

"That sounds dubious, even for around here," she insists.

"Nonsense.  Learning how to fish is tough.  And most of the students signed up for the companion course, culinary studies lab," Dave explains.

"How to cook them?" she asks.

"You got it. Hurry on, the driver's waiting to stock the pond with all those trout," Dave declares.

"I'll tell him," she agrees.  She literally runs into dean of students, Ed, who's putting together a fishing rod in the outer office.

"The truck's here," she says.

"I know.  The chancellor and I are in a meeting this afternoon."

"Environmental policy on college campuses," Dave adds.  He opens a closet and extracts a fishing reel.

"Oh please," she says.

(Some guy comes out of his house, going to work. He opens the door and finds Mark in the front sea of his car. Who are you? I'm Mark Osborne. You may know me as the host of Commercialvision, but I also sell insurance. I was just going over your coverage. Have you considered an umbrella policy? Camera shifts to the citizen, who is now chasing after a bus.)

Ed: Yes, it's the Dave Riley Show. Here's your host and mine, Dave Riley

Dave: Thanks Ed. Hello everybody.  Well, another week has come and gone.  Anything new with you, Ed?

Ed: Well, I bought a new car. Now that Osborne guy has been lurking around trying to sell me insurance.

Dave: Well, we have to have insurance in this state to drive, Ed.

Ed: I got insurance.  Osborne wants me to buy his. I bought mine from that lizard on TV.

Dave: I see.  Well, as luck would have it, that lizard is our first guest. To tell us all about what it's like to sell car insurance when you're a reptile, meet the car insurance lizard.

(Lizard waves at audience.)

Mark comes onstage from the other side. I'm Mark Osborne, host of Commercialvision, which comes on after this show, but I'm here to perform pest control. (Mark Hold up a hatchet and glares at lizard.)

Dave: Uh, put the hatchet down.  We'll be right back after this.

I got  an email over at SF Trails from a writers newsletter. They demanded that I change the submission guidelines on my website.  They didn't like the way it was laid out.  I don't think I've ever gotten a single story submission through this place.  I certainly do not have any idea why they think I'd give a damn about their opinion.

Some people seem to think I’m an authority on weird westerns. With the new Jonah Hex film out, I’ve been asked my opinion quite a few times in the past few days. Well, for what it’s worth, and that ain’t much, here’s my two bits worth:

I’ve seldom liked comic book movies. Spiderman was okay. I loved Iron Man. The rest, I never much cared for. So, I came to the movie with very mixed biases. All in all, I liked it. It did what I would expect for a Jonah Hex film to do. That’s not to say I don’t have problems with it. The script could’ve certainly withstood another round of editing. The biggest problem, however, is the director couldn’t quite let go of the comic book. This is always a problem in adapting media–letting go of the original medium is hard to do. Too many of the scenes still look and sound like a comic book instead of a feature film.

Speaking of sound, why do so many actors think if they talk slow it somehow sounds western?

Megan Fox is eye candy, but not much else.  John Malkovich delivers another good villain performance and Josh Brolin is one ugly sonofabitch in the title role. Overall, in spite of its weaknesses, it still manages to deliver an entertaining story. 

Chancellor Dave is meeting with Dean of Students, Ed.

"I just don't think sniper training will fly as P.E., Ed, " Dave said.

"I was hoping to teach the class myself," Ed replied.

"I know, let's call it Military Studies," Dave suggested.

"You're a collegiate genius," Ed said.   "Now that the fall schedule's done, what should we do with that Osborne kid?"

"He still selling insurance?" Dave asked.

"Fraid so."

"Hmm.?" Dave asked.

""I've got it!  We'll assign him to teach parking studies," Ed said. "Theories of paint colors, asphalt types, automating revenue. He'll be the parking god and students  will pay us for it.

"Ed, you are a scholastic genius," Dave declared.

Chancellor Dave is relaxing on the balcony outside his office.  Dean of students Ed grunts his presence.

"It's a lovely day, isn't it. Summer vacation. No blasted students anywhere to be found." Dave sips some iced tea.

"Summer session starts next week," Ed points out.

"Well, all good things must end sometime, I suppose."

"We're having problems with that Osborne kid," Ed explains.  "Instead of just parking cars, he keeps trying to sell people insurance."

"Well, they say most people are underinsured," Dave replied.

"But dog insurance?" Ed asks. "Is that really appropriate?"

"I guess it depends on how much you like your dog."  Dave sips some more iced tea. "Okay, have him worked over. That usually does the trick."

"Excellent," Ed replies as he looks for a special phone number in his Blackberry.

Ed: Now here's uh

Mark: Hi, I'm Mark Osborne, host of Commercialvision, filling in for Dave tonight.

Ed: Yeah.

Mark: Let's bring out our first guest, Mrs. Holden from the Society Ball.

Mrs. Holden: Hello.

Mark: Welcome.  It's about time for folks to buy their tickets to the society ball.

Mrs. Holden: Didn't you park my car this morning at the university?

Mark: No, that guy just looks like me.  I host Commercialvision, that is where you've seen me.

Mrs. Holden: I never watch that.  I know you. You were pounding on my door last week trying to sell me insurance for my dog, Fluffy.

Mark: Well, vet bills can be staggering these days and most pet owners have no insurance. Thanks for stopping by.

Ed: My cat, Tigger doesn't have any insurance.

Mark:( bends below the desk. his hands come up with sock puppets on them.) Well, Ed, no one cares about you or your silly cat. 

Ed: (starts screaming) Puppets! (runs off stage)

Mark (takes off sock puppets and sits back at the desk) Don't let your pet die like Tigger.  Buy pet insurance. The next time you hear me rummaging around in your yard, invite me in. (Leaves stage)

Mrs. Holden: Hello?  When do I tell them how to order their tickets?

(A family is sitting in their car. They’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour. Mark walks up to the car and opens the back door)

Mark: Move over kids.

Man: What the?

Mark: Hi. I’m Mark Osborne. I sell insurance. At moments like this don’t you wonder if your insurance coverage is enough to protect your family?

Man: Dear God? Please, somebody shoot me.

Mark: (looks at camera) Without insurance life itself would be impossible.

Man: Please, seriously, someone shoot me?

Ed: Yes, it’s the Dave Riley Show. Here’s your host and mine, Dave Riley.

Dave: Hello everybody. (Goes to his desk and starts reading something) It says here that the average person now only goes to the dentist once every ten years. What are you drinking?

Ed: (drinking a Slurpee). Nothing.

Dave: Where’d you get that?

Ed: Seven eleven. They’ve got the best price in town.

Dave: You didn’t get me one.

Ed: You didn’t give me seventy-nine cents.

Dave: I would’ve paid you back.

Ed: I don’t know that.

Dave: Our next guest is Dr. Weasel from the Dental Council.

Dr. Weasel (comes out carrying a Slurpee. He sits in the guests chair and takes a drink.)

Dave: Where’d you get that?

Dr. Weasel: From Ed. (Hands Ed some coins). That really hits the spot.

Dave: You trusted him to pay you.

Ed:: Yeah, so?

Dave: No wonder nobody goes to the dentist. Some Weasel will probably leave you in the chair and go and get a Slurpee.

Dr. Weasel: Excuse me?

Homer Simpson is probably the smartest man who never existed.

“Aw, Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re an old man now, and old people are useless.”  Is one of his profound insights. Cruel, but probably true.  As I get older, it seems more like Homer's right on this one.  Had coffee with some of the Census gang.  We were mostly fifty plus.  We all feel that, in the Vail Valley, it's gotten impossible for older workers to find a decent job.  We're relegated to the jobs nobody else wants. Twentysomethings rule here and we're not invited to the party.  So, alas, Homer's smarter than he knows.

He also says there's no North Dakota.  That's another theory I've shared with Homer for years.  Has anyone ever actually seen North Dakota? Me thinks not.      

Back in 1994, Comet Shoemaker-Levy collided with Jupiter.  It shook up a lot of folks since, had the comet arrived at earth, I wouldn't be writing this blog.  We'd all be dead and a new species would be evolving.

I was worried about what the impact had done to the Jupiterians. No one else seemed to care.  I still wonder how it affected their way of life.  Did they shrug it off or did it cause a major upheaval?