Rants & Raves (Blog)

Mark: (In a trench coat) Hi, I’m  Mark Osborne. Most people think of me as the host of Commercialvision, I also have another role. I sell insurance. I sell all kind, fire, life, auto. I can even insure your dog. So, late at night, when you're nodding off during the Dave Riley Show, or my show, Commercialvision, which follows this one, and you hear someone roaming around in your back yard, don’t be alarmed. It’s just me, trying to see if you’re still up so we can discuss your insurance needs.

Ed: Yes, it’s the Dave Riley Show. Here’s your host and mine, Dave Riley.

Dave: (goes to his desk) Boy, it’s been a busy week. The school’s keep inviting me to speak. There are so many schools. Do you get speaking invites, Ed?

Ed: No.

Dave: Sorry.

Ed. It’s okay. I had one once. Got there and found out they had me following a puppet show.

Dave: For you folks at home, Ed doesn’t really care for puppets.

Ed: Got that right.

Dave: Our first guest tonight is local author Keith Bruiser.

Keith: Hi everybody.

Dave: Keith, I hear you’ve got a new book out.

Keith: No, not really.

Dave: You told our producer you had one.

Keith: I know. I was lying. I just wanted to get on TV.

Dave: Well, you can. In fact, they’re waiting for you now next door at studio B. You can be on Commercialvision.

Keith: Really?

Dave: Yes. I produce that show. It’s okay. Now go.

Keith: Golly. (Leaves the stage)

Ed: We don’t have a studio B

Dave: I know that. Will someone please lock the door!  Who's our next guest?

Over at Dave Riley U:

Mrs. Holden approaches the receptionist. "I’d like to see the chancellor."

"He’s not in," the receptionist replies. "He’s down at the range."

"The Range? Archery Range?"

"No, firearms."

"You have a firearms range? What for?" She asks.

"Dave Riley University is the most heavily armed college in America. Ninety percent of our faculty and staff and half our students have concealed firearms permits."

"I had no idea. Is this wise?" Mrs. Holden asks.

"Well, a shooter like they get at these other schools would get his ass blown away here. I sure feel safe," the receptionist says.

"Can I go to this range?" Mrs. Holden asks.

"Sure. Next building over, in the basement. Do you want to shoot?"

"I don’t own a gun," Mrs. Holden explains.

"No worries." The receptionist places a revolver on the desktop. "You can borrow mine."

"Well, that’s very kind of you," Mrs. Holden says. "I don’t know what to say."

One of the new shows they're coming out with for next fall is Hawaii 5-0.  It wasn't that good the first time around. I guess the network people figure a lot of their viewers, especially the coveted younger viewers never saw the original so they'll think it's a new idea for a show.  I don't know much about it, except that Korean guy from Lost is supposed to be on it.

It was Lost I was going to write about today.  What a show.  It was so weird and quirky. You never knew where it was going.  And violent. There were an amazing amount of guns on that island.  And they killed off popular characters right and left. I'm still steamed that they killed off Mr. Echo.  The final show is supposed to be tonight. I'll miss Lost, but it has run its course and it's time to move on.  

Mark comes on screen.  Contruction workers are busy in the background.  "I'm Mark Osborne, Republican candidate for Congress.  Think of me as the jobs candidate.  I plan to create jobs by mandating the contruction of lesbian bondage clubs in every major city in America.  Republicans don't usually mandate things, unless it's a war, or border fencing, but we like lesbian clubs and see this as a way out of the recession. So, a vote for me is a vote for you and a vote for bondage. Thank you.

Ed: Yes, it's the Dave Riley Show. Here's your host and mine, Dave Riley.

Dave waves at audience, then goes to his desk.  Hi Ed, how's your week been?

Ed: Not so good.

Dave: Why's that, ed?

Ed: They left a manhole cover off the sidewalk and I keep nearly falling into it.

Dave: That could be serious. Can you call somebody?

Ed: I tried that.  All I got was some recording about strip clubs.

Dave:  Maybe you got a wrong number.

Ed: Think so?

Dave: I'll have someone at the station call them.

Ed: Thanks.

Dave: What street is it??

Ed: How the heck should I know.  I don't see it until after I'm drunk.

Dave: I see.

Ed: Then it's whoa nelly, nearly fell in again.

Dave: Well, our first guest tonight is the mayor. Welcome mayor.

Mayor: Nice to be here.

Dave: Do you have a name other than mayor?

Mayor: Nope. I got it changed to mayor. Being mayor is my destiny.

Ed: What about that manhole cover? I could get hurt.

Mayor. I get compalints everyday.  I'll get someone right on it.

Ed: Thank god. I'm glad I voted for you. The last guy never got anything fixed. I was falling in open manhole covers all the time.

Mayor: Well, we can't have that.  Can I tell people about a new project?

Dave: Sure, Mayor.

Mayor: Next week we'll be opening the Children's Pupet Theatre.  It's the first of its kind in our state.

Ed: Puppets! Did you say puppets?

Dave: Oh no.

Over at Dave Riley University 

Mrs. Holden approaches the desk of Trixie Long, executive secretary to the chancellor. "Good morning, how may I help you?" Trixie asks.

"I’m Beatrice Holden. My daughter Rachel is a student here and I want to know just what kind of college you’re running."

"I see. The chancellor is out right now. Would you like to see our dean of students?" Trixie asks.

"I suppose," Mrs. Holden agrees.

Ed promptly arrives. "Ah, Mrs. Holden, do come into my office."

"And you are?" she asked.

"Ed."

"Well, Doctor Ed, I have some concerns about what sort of education you’re giving my Rachel," she explained.

"I see." Ed said. "Please sit down. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"I have some concerns about this college of yours," she said.

"Could you be a little more specific?" Ed asks.

"Well, the dorm manager has been encouraging the women to swim topless in the pool," she said.

"Well, encourage is a relative term," Ed replied.

"Then, there’s this class she’s taking. Dance the night away? That’s a class?"

"Yes, through our PE department. Dancing is good exercise. Do you know how many college age people don’t get enough exercise?"

"And they’re selling beer?"

"College kids like beer," Ed replied.

"And that Professor Osborne looks just like the guy who parked my car this morning."

"Well, Professor Osborne is only a part time instructor. And how bought that valet parking?" Ed asks.

"I think I should put Rachel in a Christian College," she announced.

"Well, that’s your right, Mrs. Holden, but do you have any idea how much more expensive that would be? You could have a new fur coat for the difference," Ed pointed out.

"Fur?"

"I hear sable is going to be the thing this winter. Did I mention Dave Riley Furs gives parents of our students 50% off?"

"Fifty percent?"

"Yes. Sable would really compliment your eyes," Ed pointed out.

Ed: Yes, it’s the Dave Riley Show. Now here’s you host and mine, Dave Riley.

Dave: (waves at audience, then goes to his desk) Hello everyone. Did you have a good week, Ed?

Ed: Not really.

Dave: What happened?

Ed: Some guy’s been following me.

Dave: Really? That sounds awful. Well, we’ll talk about it after the show. Our first guest tonight is Mark Osborne.

Mark: (comes on stage and sits down)

Ed: That’s the guy who’s been following me.

Dave: You do realize Mark has started working here at the station? He shares your office?

Ed: Oh.

Dave: Mark will be hosting a new program here at the station that follows my show. It’s called Commercialvision. Tell us a little about it, Mark.

Mark: Well, I introduce blocks of commercials and people watch them. It runs all night long.

Ed: That’s it, all night commercials?

Mark: We’ve got some really good ones to kick off tonight’s show. We’ve even got that airline with the talking animals. I love those guys.

Ed: Commercials? All night?

Mark: We have high hopes for it.

Ed: Where’d you get such an idea?

Mark: I park cars during the daytime. I have lots of time to dream up stuff. The station's owner thought it was wonderful.

Ed: I see. Well, at least we’ll know where to find you at night.

Mark: Yep, I’ll be right here.

Dave: It is pre recorded, I should point out. It just seems like he’s here all night. In reality, he’ll be following Ed around.

Ed: He will?

Dave: Just kidding, Ed. .

Ed: Oh.

Dave: We’ll be back right after this commercial message.

Mark: Is it one of mine?

Dave: I don’t know. I guess we'll find out.  We'll be back after this. And stick around. Our next topic is discount prostitutes.

Meanwhile, over at Dave Riley University

Chancellor Dave Riley and dean of students, Ed, are interviewing Mr. Mark Osborne.

"Tell me Mr. Osborne," Dave said, "how did you get your last academic job?"

"That was great," Mark replied. "I made up some crap about Mark Twain and called it a thesis and they handed me my diploma. Then, off I went to Nevada."

"Uh, what did you do at Nevada, exactly?" Dave asks.

"Workbooks. I handed out workbooks. I was director of study skills. I read the paper and drank coffee. If some kid came in, I’d give him a workbook. We had nine different kinds. Then, the last round of budget cuts came up. I got replaced by some computer in an alcove."

"I see," Dave said.

"Did you do any actual work?" Ed asked.

Mark gives him an indignant look. "This is academia."

"Well, I think we can use you, but it won’t be in study skills," Ed said.

"Teaching?" Mark asks.

"Not exactly," Ed replies. "More of a hands on, roll up your sleeves position."

Mark looks expectantly. "Such as? "

"Chief parking lot attendant," Ed explains.

"Parking lot attendant!"

"Chief parking lot attendant," Ed explains.

Dave hands him the box of tissues as he starts to cry.

"I used to be important. I went to seminars," Mark says.

"They all did. Cheer up, there’s a seminar on parking lots coming up," Dave says.

"There is?" Mark replies.

"It’s all about paint, whether white or yellow looks best," Dave explains.

(The camera zooms in over a car dealership. There is a police car with red and blue flashing lights. Two handcuffed car salesmen are being placed in the back of the police car.)

Voice of Narrator: At Dave Riley Motors, we’re not a bunch of crooks, anymore.

(Switch to studio.)

Ed: Now here’s you host and mine, Dave Riley.

(Dave enters and takes place behind his desk.)

Dave: Good evening everybody. Tonight’s fund-raising night. In a moment we’ll be taking your calls for donations.

Jack (wearing head phones): Hold it! Hold it!

Dave: What is it this time?"

Jack: You can’t do that.

Dave: Why not? PBS does it all the time and they suck.

Jack: You just can’t. It’s not allowed.

(Storms off stage)

Dave: That was Jack. He’s our. Well, I don’t know what he does, actually. Okay, our first guest tonight is Doctor Planet. He’s discovered two planets that didn’t used to exist.

(Dr. Planet shakes hands with Ed & Dave and is seated)

Dr. Planet: Wow, I’ve never been on TV before.

Ed: You still haven’t.

Dave: now Ed. So, you’ve found two new planets?

Dr. Planet: I sure have. Quentin and Alice.

Dave: Those are unusual planetary names. Where are they, exactly?

Dr. Planet: Between Mars and Jupiter.

Dave: How come nobody else has discovered them?

Dr. Planet: Don’t know, of course I’m always seeing things no one else sees.

Ed: What a surprise.

Dave: We’ll be right back.