Rants & Raves (Blog)

It always seems like emergency calls come in when my cape with the big D on it is in the washing machine. That may not mean much to somebody in California, but it gets cold in Colorado.  Frankly, running around with a cape that's soaking wet and freezing up is simply no fun at all.  I guess some folks would ask: why not buy a second cape?  Well, these folks have obviously never been to the superhero store.  The prices for things like capes are astronomical.

On the positive side, spring is coming and things are starting to warm up.  This will mean the cape will dry in the air and certainly won't freeze up on me during the summer months.

The Census

Starring Dave Riley as Hal

Well, I've been informed my imaginary television show about Hal, a census worker who keeps running into paranormal situations, has been cancelled by the network.  It seems Hal's adventures just weren't as exciting as the real census. 

The Census

Starring Dave Riley as Hal

In tonight's episode, Hal discovers there's nothing in the Census Manual about whether to count walking skeletons.

The Census

Starring Dave Riley as Hal

Guest Starring Dave Summers as Bob

Tonight’s episode "A Garage Full of Zombies"

While interviewing a quiet neighborhood, Hal becomes convinced a house is packed full of Zombies. He brings Bob back with him and looks through the dirty garage window.

"If only you were true..." Bob starts singing.

"Shut up! What’s wrong with you?" Hal demands.

"If only you were true," Bob continues.

"They’ll hear us, you idiot," Hal warns.

"Oh baby, you really gotta stop," he keeps singing.

Hal asks, "You’re not Bob the Zombie Killer, are you?"

"No, I’m Bob the singer. If only you were true..."

"Oh crap, here come the zombies."

For the past few weeks I’ve been watching The Invaders, which is now out on DVD. The show lasted two seasons in the late 60s. It’s chock full of aliens and flying saucers. One observation of how things have changed. The bad guys and the good guys, for the most part, wore suits. These aliens were really bad guys–totally ruthless, yet they were very polite. They used words like "please" and "thank you" as they wore their suits and hunted for architect David Vincent. And they called him "Mister Vincent," even moments before they tried to kill him. I sort of miss these little measures of civility from what passes for entertainment today. What a wonderful show. Sure wish I had one of those fancy guns the aliens had.

There have been so few network sci fi shows, I've missed this one and was thrilled when it became available on Netflix. 

The Census

Starring Dave Riley as Hal

In tonight's episode, Hal ponders whether to count the residents of a haunted house.

The Census

Starring Dave Riley as Hal

In tonight’s episode, Hal becomes sick of having people sick their dogs on him. He goes to the Muzak Company and asks them if they’d use their alien mind control technology that makes subliminal messages to tell people to be nice to census workers. His hopes of being offered tea or lemonade by the public are quickly dashed when Muzak’s hired goons work him over.

The Census

Starring Dave Riley as Hal.

In tonight's episode, Hal decides a family are wherewolves.  He comes back during the day to count them when they're in human form.  His crew leader is thrilled with Hal's initiative.

The Census starring Dave Riley as Hal.

In tonight's episode, Hal is convinced a house he canvassed is inhabited by vampires.  He's upset when his crew leader confiscates his wooden stakes and informs him "we can't count people if we go around killing them."

I ran into Walt the other day–hadn’t seen him in years. Walt is the best writer I’ve ever seen–way better than me. Walt falls into the category I call closet writers. He writes, then puts his stories in a trunk in his closet.

There are a lot of people like Walt, creative as hell, but unable to cope with the publishing side of writing. The mere thought of being rejected is simply too much for him to bear.

As I wear both writer and editor hats, I’ve rejected plenty of stories. It’s nothing personal. I simply don’t feel that what’s being peddled is what I’m looking for. Guys like Walt can’t look at it that way. It’s this fear of being ripped to shreds, and that does happen, that just over powers anything else in the equation. I don’t even bother to look at Walt’s work anymore. It’s a waste of my time. If I outlive him, I will be on the phone to his widow.

The Census

Starring Dave Riley as Hal

episode 5, The Duplex.

While updating a census map, Hal stumbles upon a house occupied by space aliens.  Can the census Special Ops team reach him in time?  

I've been working part time for a government project that comes up every ten years.  It's a strikingly colosal waste of money, not doing the *ensus, but in how badly it's run.  They hire people then lay them off after a day or so, meaning they spent more time training than working.  No one seems to know what the heck they're doing. 

Anyway, I worked the 1990 *ensus.  Little has changed since then.  The *ensus needs to be done, but there surely must be a more efficient way to do it!